146 Thoughts I Had While Reading Defy Me by Tahereh Mafi

7:04 PM

While you're waiting for my full review, you may as well witness the incoherent babbling that was my thought process during the fifth Shatter Me novel Defy Me. Spoilers galore! You know the drill.


  1. I want you all to know, before we really get started, I looooooooove Kenji. That is all. 
  2. WHERE DID SHE GO? Is this just smoke and mirrors?
  3. The memories re: Juliette and Warner. I'm-- 
  4. I love pain and ouchie owies. 
  5. James is a cupcake. A wise lil cupcake. 
  6. Nazeera is about to pop off on both Adam and Kenji and honestly I love her for it. 
  7. TELL THEM NAZEERA. YOU'RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE. 
  8. "Is it really so crazy to think I might care about the girls I once loved as my own sisters?" she's saying. "Or about the lies my parents forced me to swallow, or the innocent people I watched them murder? Or maybe even something simpler than that--that I might've opened my eyes one day and realized that I was part and parcel of a system that was not only ravaging the world but also slaughtering everyone in it?" 
  9. SHIT IS RIGHT.
  10. Damn though this series has had such a glow up. When I think back to Shatter Me, it's fondly, I do enjoy the story, but now? NOW? Damn. Mafi really really REALLY did THAT. 
  11. I am Kenji laughing more at bad jokes than good ones. Iconic. 
  12. Nazeera, honey. 
  13. Ian shut up challenge. I mean, I get it, we get, we know why you just muttered this but we've already established NONE of that was real. Don't be foolish. 
  14. I cannot call Juliette Ella and I keep getting confused anytime Nazeera does. I KNOW IT'S HER BIRTH NAME. I KNOW I'LL HAVE TO PROBABLY GET OVER IT BUT LIKE THAT'S JULIETTE LEAVE ME ALONE. 
  15. Remember when I full on hated Warner ?????????? Ha! Don't know her! 
  16. Oh good, a Warner flashback to break my heart. It's Emo O'Clock ladies, les go! 
  17. I hate one (1) fictional man. Warner honey you should have just pushed daddy off a cliff when you were small. Is it too late to travel back in time and do this? Can we try? Just throwing--ha!--out ideas here. 
  18. Kenji :( MY POOR SON.
  19. Am I about to be Nazeera and Kenji trash? What's their ship name? Can I get someone to engrave my trashcan with the ship name so I can be left alone at home IN PEACE? Thank you. 
  20. ??????????? Yeah
  21. HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLOOOOO! 
  22. "You have a great face." Me offering much compliment. (...........much.... compliment....) 
  23. Nazeera is me complimenting someone but Kenji is me responding to any of said compliments. 
  24. PLEASE LET THESE TWO BE HAPPY OKAY THANK YOU PLEASE
  25. Okay they are doing the age old, "I maybe kind of sort of might possibly be into you but definitely can't date you because REASONS" dance. Which means one of two things. They are going to break my heart or be endgame. Maybe both. Can I have both? Can this be the literary ship equivalent of that "WHY NOT BOTH?" taco shell commercial? Pretty please with cheese and hot sauce on top? I'll start a petition, I swear. 
  26. BAD TIMING IAN. 
  27. Oh good we now return to our regularly schedule Kenji Guilt programming. 
  28. ALSO! Me when apologizing and Sammy tells me to stop apologizing and then I apologize for apologizing too much and then she charges me per apology so she just takes my wallet from me. 
  29. Kenji calling Juliette his best friend makes me so soft and snuggly and warm and fuzzy and I LOVE THEM. Always. My children. They just extended my life by 45 more years. Can't wait! 
  30. Nazeera and Kenji are such a mess. OTP. Do we still say OTP? Or did that phrase die out? 
  31. Real talk: I am WEAK for this flashback of Juliette's. It is TORTURE. But, as we've established long ago, I am TRASH for couples who always find each other, no matter what. And Anderson saying, "Unbelievable. Always the same." about Juliette and Warner seeing each other--really seeing each other--because that is 100% my brand. It gives me feelings. The feeling. I can't believe I ever hated this pairing (well, I can, and I'd totally still hate them if Mafi wasn't a gift re: developing them individually and as a couple) because they are E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. 
  32. The cold entitlement from Juliette's--er, Ella's--parents makes me want to snap. Sometimes the sociopath just jumps out, huh, Mom and Pops? 
  33. SLAP HER AGAIN AND I SWEAR TO GOD YOU WILL LOSE THAT WHOLE ASS HAND, MA'AM. MA'AM. 
  34. Petition to change Warner's name to "That damn boy." In a good way. 
  35. Evie can piss straight off the grid and crawl back to whatever level her pit of hell is located in. 
  36. Oh goodie. Another Stabby Daddy. Thaaaaaaaaaaanks. (This is a reference to that little boy on Vine who said: "An avocado? Thaaaaaaaaaaanks." 
  37. My poor darling daughter. LET HER LIVE. 
  38. "Today is a garbage fire" is also a phrase I use frequently. That's entirely because T*ump is still in office so I mean, relatable. 
  39. LMAO DAMN IAN YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO PUT KENJI ON BLAST, HUH? He is 100% THAT BITCH. 
  40. "The world's on fire. Have some fun" is what I should have tattooed on my forehead. Or bedazzled on a really ugly tank top, I haven't decided yet. 
  41. Kenji is definitely full of shit. Like, as someone who is full of shit as well I can 100% confirm he is full of it.
  42. This Warner and Juliette flashback. UH, my heart! MY WHOLE HEART!!!! 
  43. Damn, Delalieu. 
  44. Anderson really was a whole ass dumpster fire of a person wasn't he? 
  45. The Architect and The Executioner. I--
  46. WHAT
  47. NO
  48. OH MY GOD
  49. NOPE
  50. OH HELL NO OH HELL OH HELL OH--ANDERSON??? WHAT????
  51. NOPE
  52. I REFUSE TO
  53. IS THIS ANOTHER MAGIC TRICK? For your next act can you just make a goldfish appear from out of Kenji's left nostril???? Instead of ??????? 
  54. I am scared to turn the page I need a glass of wine
  55. I would love it if someone would off Juliette/Ella's parents. That'd be, like, super okay with me. 
  56. OH MY GOD STOP TORTURING YOUR DAUGHTER YOU ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE 
  57. The fact that Evie sees her daughters not only as property, but as a freaking science project is ABSOLUTELY INFURIATING AND I WANT TO PUNCH HER. 
  58. "You are far too full of emotion. You feel too much for this world. You call people your friends. You imagine yourself in love. That was never the plan for you, little bird. You were meant for solitary existence." God damn, a lot to unpack here. First of all, you're saying that almost like she is human and humans have emotions which is SUPER WEIRD for you, I'm sure. Second, SHUT UP FOREVER. Third, Juliette was meant only FOR HERSELF. For her friends. Never you. Never your cause, you rotting trash apple. 
  59. Keep talking, Evie. I will give you something to feel. oldmanshakesfistatcloud.png
  60. Six months with a splitting headache is not enough, Ma'am. I hope it destroys you.
  61. I love when villains are like, "!!!You monster!! You are a failure!" Because really their failures as a human being are what brought them here in the first place and they can basically choke. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, I'm here all century. 
  62. Adam is about to have a whole ass anxiety attack. 
  63. Castle I'll give you cash straight up if you crush Anderson to death. That'd be rad. 
  64. How IS he still alive? 
  65. Damn it, Nazeera. Please be an act. Please. PLEASE. DON'T BE THE BAD GUY. I love. Please double cross Anderson and destroy everyone that is being a piece of horse poo. PLEASE. 
  66. KENJI
  67. OH, how I hate Anderson. I thought I knew the depths of said hatred but apparently he stirs up fun new ways to make me want to set that smug face on fire. 
  68. "I've become obsessed with time" is such a simple statement in the narration. Somehow, it's very effective and heartbreaking. 
  69. WHAT IS HAPPENING 
  70. "Super weird way to go..." LMAO, me in near death situations. I can't. 
  71. Juliette scribbled out. Ella written underneath. I'M STILL NOT READY. Why does this feel like a warning? 
  72. Small Juliette and Warner got me all gooey and smad. 
  73. "The world feels strange. Smells confuse me. Words don't feel right in my mouth anymore. The sound of my own name feels at once familiar and foreign." Mafi really isn't holding back on making me feel things but what else is new? 
  74. At this exact moment, I am wearing bloodred lipstick but because Evie is, too, I'm contemplating taking it off temporarily because Ewie. (Kidding. Mostly.)
  75. Okay, good, phew. She hasn't lost her memories. 
  76. "The more I remember my parents, the more I begin to finally make sense of myself--my many fears and insecurities, the myriad ways in which I've often felt lost, searching for something I could not name." 
  77. Not to quote Heathers: the Musical but when myriad popped up, I embraced my inner Mythic Bitch and said/sang, "Myriad? Nice." 
  78. NAZEERA. YES. THAT'S MY GIRL! DARLING PLANE THIEF! LOVE YOU! Will stan 4 lyf. 
  79. helllllllllllllllllllllllo, Oceania! 
  80. The pure innocence of this Warner flashback!!!!!!!!!!! Ella wanting to live inside a lake!!! A mood! My cupcakes, angels, sugarplums, etc etc
  81. "Hi birthday boy. Did you miss me?" First of all, chill, Alison DiLaurentis. Second of all, NO you miserable bastard. 
  82. Juliette/Ella belongs to herself. She belongs WITH her friends and with Warner. Pipe down, scumbag. Pipe. The. Heckity. Heck. Down. 
  83. All of this evil--the torture--from the hands of these parents and I get most upset over them stealing their kids memories. Awful life to live. They really have no emotions if it's not even an issue with them. I hate them. 
  84. "Of course you wouldn't let me be master of my own mind." 
  85. Warner out here fantasizing about killing his dead is a whole ass mood.
  86. STOP IT.
  87. NOOOOOO. Poor Juliette/Ella. Poor Warner having to watch this. Ouch. Owie. 
  88. Did he just kill him? AN ICON. Enjoy hell, indeed! 
  89. Oh GOD, poor Emmaline. 
  90. Emmaline is the reason the kids are regaining their memories and I just ???? this ????? completely destroys me???????? 911?????????
  91. "I want my sister back." MAFI, please, let me live for like five seconds or IDK be a pal and provide a new box of tissues.
  92. The couple that kills their murderous and abusive parents simultaneously together stay together. That's law. PERIOD. 
  93. Aw damn. Anderson is still alive. He is like The Cigarette Smoking Man on The X-Files. The old bastard just won't die. 
  94. WARNER IS SO FUCKING SASSY RN AND I AM LIVING FOR IT. "Does she help you sound out the big words?" ME. Me! MEeeeEEEEeeee! (ME!) 
  95. Apparently murder attempts are the only things that make Anderson respect you. Keep the respect, bro. Keep it. 
  96. THESE PARENTS ARE WILD. And the worst. 
  97. Ding dong the wicked witch (Evie) is dead. I was worried she'd survived like Anderson. 
  98. Nazeera!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAA BUDDY!!!!!!! 
  99. And Kenji!!!!!!!! *longest yeah boy ever* 
  100. Okay here's what I want: more Warner/Nazeera bromance. Double dates between Kenji/Nazeera and Warner/Juliette. 
  101. I should just call Juliette slash Ella Julietella.
  102. (Maybe not.) 
  103. What are best friends for if not to schedule a good old fashioned crying session? 
  104. Nazeera is the real superhero of the series. I mean, so is The Artist Formerly Known as Juliette and Emmaline. And Kenji. And Warner. Okay, so, I guess everyone's the superhero in this series so my point.... is still kind of valid cos I'm not wrong. 
  105. I am, again, Kenji. Convince me otherwise. You can't. 
  106. Cause of death: Warner and Julietella. 
  107. "I want to marry her."
  108. Shook. 
  109. Ella and Aaron. Warner and Juliette. Old and new. Soul and mate. One day, husband and wife. 
  110. "I have loved you my entire life." OH MY GOD LET ME BREATHE. 
  111. Kenji is me in this situation but we know damn well he is giddy on the inside. Like, biiiiiiitch, me too!!! 
  112. "You are a plague upon my life, Kishimoto." YOU ARE SO FOND OF HIM. Don't lie. We all know. We all see it. 
  113. Aaron and Kenji kind of remind me of Jace and Simon in The Shadowhunter Chronicles. Reluctant Bros. But bros nonetheless. 
  114. Kenji asking who wants lunch has the same energy as Regina George's mom in Mean Girls when asking if they needed any snacks. YOU KNOW THE SCENE. 
  115. Me if the series ever officially gets its adaptation: Hi! I'm Jessica. I am here to audition for the role of Nazeera and Kenji's Picnic Basket. 
  116. I AM TELLING YOU KENJI AND AARON ARE SIMON AND JACE. FIGHT ME. 
  117. I love this lil squad. 
  118. Nazeera is an icon. An unbothered QUEEN. A legend.
  119. Okay but good question: do planes have cruise control? 
  120. Little baby Nazeera and Ella really did THAT. Played with real swords at age five. Why am I not surprised? 
  121. Kenji just offering to be the best man is so relatable. I'm available to officiate the wedding, by the way. Just shooting my shot here, kids. 
  122. Aaron knowing about Tangled is oddly satisfying. Kenji stanning it is even more satisfying. I love two dweebs. 
  123. "Will Smith punches an alien in the face, for God's sake. It's so good." Me describing Independence Day. 
  124. I'd pay to see Kenji coaching Aaron through Operation Buy Ella a Ring.
  125. OH. SHIT. 
  126. Someone is shooting their plane. GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! 
  127. Jump? NOPE. No! NAH! 
  128. Oh, that's a solid plan. Terrifying. But, mildly solid. My palms are sweating thinking about that drop. 
  129. I love that Ella thinks either she or Kenji just screamed but isn't sure which one of them did. Is it canon that Kenji has a little girl scream? 
  130. Oh, this cannot POSSIBLY go bad. Never! 
  131. Together, no matter what. 
  132. OHHH, hey, Castle. 
  133. And Nouria. AND HER WIFE? Okay, I'm listneing. 
  134. "Whispers travel faster than anyone can control." True.
  135. I hate that Emmaline was used in the way that she has been. And for so long. All of these kids have been used and abused but... this is is just... her entire life is just a lot and she deserves so much better. 
  136. Everyone's all "DEATH TO EVIE!" which is like, cheers, I'll drink to that, but Ella is like, "LOL! Already did that! Keep up, guys!" 
  137. I wish there was a way to save Emmaline. 
  138. Curious about Nouria. 
  139. Warner's birthday should be a national holiday. I'll bake a cake next year. It'll be fun. Buy some balloons, guys. 
  140. "Today is not forever. Happiness does not happen. Happiness must be uncovered, separated from the skin of pain. It must be claimed. Kept close. Protected." 
  141. Castle's out here like, "These are my kids. They are all dumbos. I have fondness." 
  142. Ella really just hit us all with, "A SHOWER? WITHOUT ME?" and managed to not sound too much like a white boy text message. Icon. BDE. 
  143. Is it possible for a book to set me on fire? Asking for a friend. 
  144. YES TO FOREVER WITH YOU. IT'S FINE. I'M FINE. I'M--
  145. Aw they threw him a surprise birthday party! *White boy voice* WITHOUT ME? 
  146. Okay, okay, I need the next book is it next year yet? 


 Now That's What I Call... A WILDLY INCOHERENT JOURNEY OF MY THOUGHTS!

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